The Stages of Coupling

It's going to happen sooner or later if you have married kids. Someday you're going to be in the room when they have an argument. He or she is going to say something to the other that should be said in the private place where they usually air their gripes and have their disagreements, but instead they blurt it out right in front of you. Feelings are hurt, the air becomes thick with embarrassment and you as the parent and parent-in-law have no clue what to do next.

When it happened to me, I didn't sleep well that night. I was their houseguest, 100 miles away from my own home and the argument happened at bedtime, too late for me to slip out, drive home and let them work out their own solutions and kiss and make up without me hanging around.

After a fitful night of sleep, I got up the next morning at 5am, made a cup of tea and headed for their deck before anyone else was up. I grabbed a book off the shelf on my way out the door, a serendipitous choice because it had a chapter on how relationships are developed, maintained and nourished.

The book, "Chop Wood, Carry Water" had been one of my child's textbooks in college. The chapter that caught my eye listed five stages couples go through. First, the romance stage in which the relationship exists for each other's pleasure and comfort. Each person thinks, "If I just do everything I can to keep him or her happy I'll reap the rewards of pleasure and comfort. Life will be so good." I remember those days, don't you? Too bad they don't last long, eh?

The second stage is the power struggle. That's when they discover their differences and try to change and mold the other person into the ideal spouse. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, oh boy, that's a real knee-slapper, isn't it?

The third stage is stability. This is the point where the relationship can actually foster spiritual growth and discovery. It's when they step back, loosen up the "I can change you" reins and discover the good qualities of their partner. In other words, they're desperately trying to recall why they hooked up with them in the first place. They have a sense that it's all going to work in the long run, but they just can't figure out exactly why or how.

After that comes the commitment stage. At this point the couple learns that they are part of a vast inter-connected network of friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, community and church members. They discover that the perfect couple definitely does not exist and thus are able to look at their own lives with a bit of detachment. Talk about a sense of relief. Now they can get on with the business of simply being.

The fifth stage in the life of a couple is the co-creative stage where each of them has the opportunity to grow outside each other and value each other just as he or she is. This is the time when the wife learns that her hubby is always going to be hunting, fishing, golfing or whatever his passion is and she's not going to change him. He learns that she is addicted to rummage sales, weepy movies, and playing the stock market and that he's not going to change her. Each partner has that delicious moment when he or she discovers that it's perfectly all right for them to develop their own interests, hobbies, and friendships separate from each other and instead of hurting the relationship, it can actually help it.

I think the last stage, the co-creative one, is what the Dalai Lama had in mind when he said, "The purpose of life is to increase the warm heart. Think of other people. Serve other people sincerely. No cheating." It's about having the freedom to step outside your little "couples" world and move into a place where you can grow and learn and take classes and make new friends and figure out what your passions in life are. So what if your partner takes up auto mechanics or musket shooting or buys a Harley and gets a fake tattoo to sport on weekends? If those are her passions, so be it.

Henry David Thoreau said lots of stuff that puts an amazing spin on life, especially on a gentle, more thoughtful life. But one of my favorites is this: "Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after." That statement helps me understand why some people love golf and hunting so much, two activities that I would never consider. It's more about peace and quiet and beauty and serenity than bringing home the bacon or winning the game. It's about the freedom to love the warm underbelly of your passions for no particular reason.

As I watch my children and their significant others weave in and out of the five stages of couples, I marvel at the things I learn by watching their struggles and changes. I know one thing, if I ever get married again, my long-awaited-for wisdom will come to the rescue and help me find and be a keeper.