It's going to happen sooner or later if you have married kids. Someday you're going to be in the room when they have an argument. He or she is going to say something to the other that should be said in the private place where they usually air their gripes and have their disagreements, but instead they blurt it out right in front of you. Feelings are hurt, the air becomes thick with embarrassment and you as the parent and parent-in-law have no clue what to do next.
When it happened to me, I didn't sleep well that night. I was their houseguest, 100 miles away from my own home and the argument happened at bedtime, too late for me to slip out, drive home and let them work out their own solutions and kiss and make up without me hanging around.
After a fitful night of sleep, I got up the next morning at 5am, made a cup of tea and headed for their deck before anyone else was up. I grabbed a book off the shelf on my way out the door, a serendipitous choice because it had a chapter on how relationships are developed, maintained and nourished.
The book, "Chop Wood, Carry Water" had been one of my child's textbooks in college. The chapter that caught my eye listed five stages couples go through. First, the romance stage in which the relationship exists for each other's pleasure and comfort. Each person thinks, "If I just do everything I can to keep him or her happy I'll reap the rewards of pleasure and comfort. Life will be so good." I remember those days, don't you? Too bad they don't last long, eh?
The second stage is the power struggle. That's when they discover their differences and try to change and mold the other person into the ideal spouse. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, oh boy, that's a real knee-slapper, isn't it?
The third stage is stability. This is the point where the relationship can actually foster spiritual growth and discovery. It's when they step back, loosen up the "I can change you" reins and discover the good qualities of their partner. In other words, they're desperately trying to recall why they hooked up with them in the first place. They have a sense that it's all going to work in the long run, but they just can't figure out exactly why or how.
After that comes the commitment stage. At this point the couple learns that they are part of a vast inter-connected network of friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, community and church members. They discover that the perfect couple definitely does not exist and thus are able to look at their own lives with a bit of detachment. Talk about a sense of relief. Now they can get on with the business of simply being.
The fifth stage in the life of a couple is the co-creative stage where each of them has the opportunity to grow outside each other and value each other just as he or she is. This is the time when the wife learns that her hubby is always going to be hunting, fishing, golfing or whatever his passion is and she's not going to change him. He learns that she is addicted to rummage sales, weepy movies, and playing the stock market and that he's not going to change her. Each partner has that delicious moment when he or she discovers that it's perfectly all right for them to develop their own interests, hobbies, and friendships separate from each other and instead of hurting the relationship, it can actually help it.
I think the last stage, the co-creative one, is what the Dalai Lama had in mind when he said, "The purpose of life is to increase the warm heart. Think of other people. Serve other people sincerely. No cheating." It's about having the freedom to step outside your little "couples" world and move into a place where you can grow and learn and take classes and make new friends and figure out what your passions in life are. So what if your partner takes up auto mechanics or musket shooting or buys a Harley and gets a fake tattoo to sport on weekends? If those are her passions, so be it.
Henry David Thoreau said lots of stuff that puts an amazing spin on life, especially on a gentle, more thoughtful life. But one of my favorites is this: "Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after." That statement helps me understand why some people love golf and hunting so much, two activities that I would never consider. It's more about peace and quiet and beauty and serenity than bringing home the bacon or winning the game. It's about the freedom to love the warm underbelly of your passions for no particular reason.
As I watch my children and their significant others weave in and out of the five stages of couples, I marvel at the things I learn by watching their struggles and changes. I know one thing, if I ever get married again, my long-awaited-for wisdom will come to the rescue and help me find and be a keeper.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
NEW HABIT: PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY
By Patricia Lorenz
It's been said that something becomes a habit in 30 days. Do the same thing every day for 30 days and it's yours for life. Drink eight glasses of water for 30 days and you'll have a new, healthy, lifelong habit. Spend five minutes in prayer every morning for the next 30 days and daily prayer will become a habit for life. Spend a half-hour with each of your children every day and you'll create a habit that will not only make you a candidate for "parent of the year" but it'll be a habit that will last until your children leave home. Plus, that's the sort of habit that carries on for generations and generations. You can bet your children will be spending at least a half-hour a day with each of their children one-on-one if you've laid the groundwork by doing it yourself. Good habits are contagious and can easily be passed down from generation to generation.
Today, I offer you the challenge to begin a new habit, one that will change your life dramatically. For the next thirty days read the following words every day three times. Read them when you get up in the morning. Read them at lunch time or on your first break of the day. Read them before dinner at night or before you get into bed. Three times a day for thirty days. If you do it, you will feel yourself changing inside and out.
I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR ME AND EVERYTHING I SAY AND DO. No matter how much I want to blame others or make excuses for my behavior, I will no longer do it. No matter what happened to me when I was growing up, or struggling in school, or at work, I will move forward. I will not carry grudges against anyone who has touched my life in a bad way. Instead I will move forward and thank God that I had that unpleasant experience because it taught me that struggles give me three wonderful gifts: They make me strong, they give me character and they make me interesting.
No matter what happens to me, as long as I accept responsibility for everything I say and do, I will never, ever lose my value in the eyes of God, family, friends, neighbors or co-workers. I am the only person like me in the entire world. God gave me life, a one-of-a-kind life. It's my responsibility to make me the best me that could ever be.
I will keep in mind that accepting responsibility for myself is hard. If it was easy, everyone would do it. Therefore, if I slip a little and do not act responsibly, I will work harder and harder at it. I will stop blaming others for making my life miserable, unhappy, or unsuccessful. I will acknowledge that I am the only one who walks in my shoes, lives in my brain and controls the movements of my arms, legs, and mouth. Only me. I am responsible for me and for everything I say and do.
I will find creative ways to be responsible. I won't just try to make lemonade out of lemons. No, I'll find ways to make lemonade out of turnips. The more difficult the challenge, the more I will embrace it. The more I want to feel angry or bitter or unforgiving or downtrodden, the harder I will try to calm down, smile, forgive and celebrate my life. I will accept the responsibility of changing me…not anyone else…just me.
I will constantly look for the positive in every negative situation. I will not give up in the face of obstacles. Instead, I will treat those obstacles like friends who are giving me the opportunity to solve a problem, create a solution, or rise to the occasion. I will celebrate obstacles, problems and struggles!
If my health fails, I will thank God that I still have the power of my mind. If someone I love becomes unhealthy, I will encourage them and help them and do what is necessary and then I will do even more than is necessary. I will be there for them every day and encourage them unconditionally because that is what someone does who takes responsibility seriously. A responsible person is a caregiver, a friend, someone others can trust and turn to.
I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR ME AND EVERYTHING I SAY AND DO. I will never try to eat the entire elephant in one sitting. No matter what challenges come my way or how big the project is or how unfathomable the problem, I will remember that mile by mile, it's a trial; yard by yard it's hard; but inch by inch, it's a cinch. I will never give up because a responsible person is persistent. If I have to do something a thousand times before I get it right, I will. I will do it ten thousand times if necessary. I am a responsible person, the only one responsible for everything I say and do.
It's been said that something becomes a habit in 30 days. Do the same thing every day for 30 days and it's yours for life. Drink eight glasses of water for 30 days and you'll have a new, healthy, lifelong habit. Spend five minutes in prayer every morning for the next 30 days and daily prayer will become a habit for life. Spend a half-hour with each of your children every day and you'll create a habit that will not only make you a candidate for "parent of the year" but it'll be a habit that will last until your children leave home. Plus, that's the sort of habit that carries on for generations and generations. You can bet your children will be spending at least a half-hour a day with each of their children one-on-one if you've laid the groundwork by doing it yourself. Good habits are contagious and can easily be passed down from generation to generation.
Today, I offer you the challenge to begin a new habit, one that will change your life dramatically. For the next thirty days read the following words every day three times. Read them when you get up in the morning. Read them at lunch time or on your first break of the day. Read them before dinner at night or before you get into bed. Three times a day for thirty days. If you do it, you will feel yourself changing inside and out.
I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR ME AND EVERYTHING I SAY AND DO. No matter how much I want to blame others or make excuses for my behavior, I will no longer do it. No matter what happened to me when I was growing up, or struggling in school, or at work, I will move forward. I will not carry grudges against anyone who has touched my life in a bad way. Instead I will move forward and thank God that I had that unpleasant experience because it taught me that struggles give me three wonderful gifts: They make me strong, they give me character and they make me interesting.
No matter what happens to me, as long as I accept responsibility for everything I say and do, I will never, ever lose my value in the eyes of God, family, friends, neighbors or co-workers. I am the only person like me in the entire world. God gave me life, a one-of-a-kind life. It's my responsibility to make me the best me that could ever be.
I will keep in mind that accepting responsibility for myself is hard. If it was easy, everyone would do it. Therefore, if I slip a little and do not act responsibly, I will work harder and harder at it. I will stop blaming others for making my life miserable, unhappy, or unsuccessful. I will acknowledge that I am the only one who walks in my shoes, lives in my brain and controls the movements of my arms, legs, and mouth. Only me. I am responsible for me and for everything I say and do.
I will find creative ways to be responsible. I won't just try to make lemonade out of lemons. No, I'll find ways to make lemonade out of turnips. The more difficult the challenge, the more I will embrace it. The more I want to feel angry or bitter or unforgiving or downtrodden, the harder I will try to calm down, smile, forgive and celebrate my life. I will accept the responsibility of changing me…not anyone else…just me.
I will constantly look for the positive in every negative situation. I will not give up in the face of obstacles. Instead, I will treat those obstacles like friends who are giving me the opportunity to solve a problem, create a solution, or rise to the occasion. I will celebrate obstacles, problems and struggles!
If my health fails, I will thank God that I still have the power of my mind. If someone I love becomes unhealthy, I will encourage them and help them and do what is necessary and then I will do even more than is necessary. I will be there for them every day and encourage them unconditionally because that is what someone does who takes responsibility seriously. A responsible person is a caregiver, a friend, someone others can trust and turn to.
I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR ME AND EVERYTHING I SAY AND DO. I will never try to eat the entire elephant in one sitting. No matter what challenges come my way or how big the project is or how unfathomable the problem, I will remember that mile by mile, it's a trial; yard by yard it's hard; but inch by inch, it's a cinch. I will never give up because a responsible person is persistent. If I have to do something a thousand times before I get it right, I will. I will do it ten thousand times if necessary. I am a responsible person, the only one responsible for everything I say and do.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
The Zero Factors
Believe me, I’m old enough to know that no matter how old you are, you’re never too old for love. And the kind of love I’m talking about is dating, romance, living close to each other love. Caring for each other in a way that transcends small idiosyncrasies, minor fights and old-age health problems. For some, not for me, mind you, but for some, falling in love at an older age means caring for each other as marriage partners in your later years.
I consider myself somewhat of an expert on men. After all I’ve been married twice and since my second divorce have dated three other men very seriously and for varying lengths of time, the current one since 2004. In between those men I dated many other guys, usually once once or twice because once you’re an expert on men it gets easier and easier to spot the zero factors.
Ah yes, the zero factors. The secrets of dating whether you’re eighteen or eighty-eight. If you're looking for a mate, a significant other, or just a very close friend who has your back when you have to go to the hospital or need help after knee surgery, chances are you've tried one or more of the dating services on the Internet, the personals in the newspapers or a dating service.
As a single woman who never really wanted to grow old alone, but who has a pretty tough standard when it comes to potential mates, I've had many, many years experience of meeting lots of men over a cup of tea or lunch in a very public place. How do I know if I want to see the gentleman again?
Simple. The Zero Factors. Ten simple little neon signs that start flashing usually within minutes of your meeting. Believe me, a two hour chat in a coffee shop is all you need to see if Mr. Possibility will become Mr. Maybe, Mr. I-Hear-Wedding-Bells or Mr. Quick-Let-Me-Out-Of-Here-So-I-Can-Forget-This-Date-Ever-Happened.
The Zero Factors work for both men and women and they'll help you decide, when he asks for your phone number whether you want to give him the real thing or the number for Dial-a-Prayer. I’m serious here. I’ve given many men the Dial-a-Prayer phone number. In fact, it’s a good idea to keep the number on a small piece of paper in your purse or pocket for that magic moment at the end of the date when he asks for your number.
The Zero Factors are simply ten kegs of dynamite. If the person you’re having coffee or tea with possesses even one of these powder kegs, he or she gets a Zero and that's it. You're outta there.
1. RACIST You can tell right away by the language. Usually, it's an unnatural use of the phrase "white people" that's a dead giveaway. Sometimes they go so far as to use the word "colored" when referring to colorful people. If you hear those words, excuse yourself, and head for the nearest exit.
2. DISHONEST Suppose you've invested two hours with a man who told you he was divorced and you're starting to think that he was meant to be on page one of your book of life. When you ask him how long he's been divorced, he says sheepishly, "Well, I'm in the process. We just separated last week." Bing, bang, boom. Zero! Not only is he dishonest, but he needs six months to get through the divorce, then a minimum of two years to get his life back in order and find out who he is before he even thinks about dating and starting over with you…or anyone.
3. SHALLOW I can't tell you how many men ask women on the first phone call how tall they are, how much they weigh, what they look like, what dress size they wear. Of course, this is a dead giveaway that he's much more interested in "arm candy" than having a real relationship with a real woman. Unless you're built like Barbie Doll you don't stand a chance with these guys so slam down the "zero factor" hammer immediately.
4. MIS-YOKED They say your faith life should be similar for a real relationship to work. So if he's a conservative born-again fundamentalist and you're a liberal Catholic, chances are you aren't going to be happy together at church. What you believe spiritually is what you believe. I'm not sure it's wise to expect one of you to change those deep basic faith roots. My first husband was Methodist. But I learned a good lesson and married a Catholic the second time around. But was it wise to marry someone 17 years older who was going through male-menopause at the time? Probably not because it didn’t last. The other two guys I dated somewhat seriously were not Catholic. But Jack, my hunka-hunka-burnin’-love is a devout Catholic and I now believe wholeheartedly that being equally yoked in your faith is one very, very important factor.
5. CHEAP I once spent two-and-a-half hours in a restaurant with a man who ordered nothing but water. I had hot tea and the waitress couldn’t have been nicer, keeping him filled up with ice water and me with more hot water and an extra tea-bag. When we left not only did he not even offer to buy my tea, but he didn't even leave a tip for the waitress. I took care of both, making sure she got more for the tip than the tea cost, and although I would have expected to pay for my own beverage or food if I'd ordered any, a man always gets rave reviews when he at least offers to pay on the first meeting. Being fair when it comes to dating is one thing, being cheap to the point of trying to squeeze copper out of a penny, is another.
6. HOMOPHOBIC Although I certainly don't have a full understanding of homosexuality, I do know many wonderful people who are gay and I believe that since God created them that way that it is a normal and perfectly acceptable lifestyle. I do think the Catholic church has a way to go when it comes to affording gay people a completely normal existence and sexual lifestyle, but at least the church welcomes gay and lesbian folks into the fold with open arms. Unlike some people of other religions I know without a doubt that I was not put on this earth to judge any other human being…and when someone does, as in someone you just met on a date, it's time to get out of there.
7. HEAVY DRINKER Having been married to an alcoholic all I can say is please, please, please, please, please don't go there. The pain is hard to describe. And believe me, the pain an alcoholic causes does not get any better. It only gets worse. Much, much worse. Why even take one step down that path? Unless your alcoholic is a reformed drinker who is still attending AA meetings and who has completed his or her Twelve Step program with gusto and grace, do not, repeat, do not date a heavy drinker. Or pot smoker. Or drug abuser. Do not. Are you listening?
8. EX-BASHER Why is it that so many potential date partners spend their time bashing their ex? Chances are, that ex is the other parent of his or her children. They should be able to get along for the kids' sake. Can you imagine what the basher will be saying about you if things don't work out?
9. SMOKER Smoking is slow-motion suicide, not only for the smoker but also, because of side stream smoke, also for you. Why on earth would you want to start a new life or a close relationship with someone who thinks so little of himself or so little of you?
10. NO SENSE OF HUMOR If I can't make him laugh or he can't make me at least smile broadly, the relationship doesn't have a chance in the world. Remember, a sense of humor, not only helps solve most of life's problems, but it's also a boon to your good heath. Follow this creed: No laughing, no loving.
So there you have it, the "zero factor" check list. Here's hoping none of your dates earn the goose egg award.
(Note: This is part of a chapter in my latest book "SLOGGING MY WAY TO HEAVEN A Cradle Catholic in a Protestant World" The book is nearly finished and I have great hopes that a publisher will scoop it up soon.
I consider myself somewhat of an expert on men. After all I’ve been married twice and since my second divorce have dated three other men very seriously and for varying lengths of time, the current one since 2004. In between those men I dated many other guys, usually once once or twice because once you’re an expert on men it gets easier and easier to spot the zero factors.
Ah yes, the zero factors. The secrets of dating whether you’re eighteen or eighty-eight. If you're looking for a mate, a significant other, or just a very close friend who has your back when you have to go to the hospital or need help after knee surgery, chances are you've tried one or more of the dating services on the Internet, the personals in the newspapers or a dating service.
As a single woman who never really wanted to grow old alone, but who has a pretty tough standard when it comes to potential mates, I've had many, many years experience of meeting lots of men over a cup of tea or lunch in a very public place. How do I know if I want to see the gentleman again?
Simple. The Zero Factors. Ten simple little neon signs that start flashing usually within minutes of your meeting. Believe me, a two hour chat in a coffee shop is all you need to see if Mr. Possibility will become Mr. Maybe, Mr. I-Hear-Wedding-Bells or Mr. Quick-Let-Me-Out-Of-Here-So-I-Can-Forget-This-Date-Ever-Happened.
The Zero Factors work for both men and women and they'll help you decide, when he asks for your phone number whether you want to give him the real thing or the number for Dial-a-Prayer. I’m serious here. I’ve given many men the Dial-a-Prayer phone number. In fact, it’s a good idea to keep the number on a small piece of paper in your purse or pocket for that magic moment at the end of the date when he asks for your number.
The Zero Factors are simply ten kegs of dynamite. If the person you’re having coffee or tea with possesses even one of these powder kegs, he or she gets a Zero and that's it. You're outta there.
1. RACIST You can tell right away by the language. Usually, it's an unnatural use of the phrase "white people" that's a dead giveaway. Sometimes they go so far as to use the word "colored" when referring to colorful people. If you hear those words, excuse yourself, and head for the nearest exit.
2. DISHONEST Suppose you've invested two hours with a man who told you he was divorced and you're starting to think that he was meant to be on page one of your book of life. When you ask him how long he's been divorced, he says sheepishly, "Well, I'm in the process. We just separated last week." Bing, bang, boom. Zero! Not only is he dishonest, but he needs six months to get through the divorce, then a minimum of two years to get his life back in order and find out who he is before he even thinks about dating and starting over with you…or anyone.
3. SHALLOW I can't tell you how many men ask women on the first phone call how tall they are, how much they weigh, what they look like, what dress size they wear. Of course, this is a dead giveaway that he's much more interested in "arm candy" than having a real relationship with a real woman. Unless you're built like Barbie Doll you don't stand a chance with these guys so slam down the "zero factor" hammer immediately.
4. MIS-YOKED They say your faith life should be similar for a real relationship to work. So if he's a conservative born-again fundamentalist and you're a liberal Catholic, chances are you aren't going to be happy together at church. What you believe spiritually is what you believe. I'm not sure it's wise to expect one of you to change those deep basic faith roots. My first husband was Methodist. But I learned a good lesson and married a Catholic the second time around. But was it wise to marry someone 17 years older who was going through male-menopause at the time? Probably not because it didn’t last. The other two guys I dated somewhat seriously were not Catholic. But Jack, my hunka-hunka-burnin’-love is a devout Catholic and I now believe wholeheartedly that being equally yoked in your faith is one very, very important factor.
5. CHEAP I once spent two-and-a-half hours in a restaurant with a man who ordered nothing but water. I had hot tea and the waitress couldn’t have been nicer, keeping him filled up with ice water and me with more hot water and an extra tea-bag. When we left not only did he not even offer to buy my tea, but he didn't even leave a tip for the waitress. I took care of both, making sure she got more for the tip than the tea cost, and although I would have expected to pay for my own beverage or food if I'd ordered any, a man always gets rave reviews when he at least offers to pay on the first meeting. Being fair when it comes to dating is one thing, being cheap to the point of trying to squeeze copper out of a penny, is another.
6. HOMOPHOBIC Although I certainly don't have a full understanding of homosexuality, I do know many wonderful people who are gay and I believe that since God created them that way that it is a normal and perfectly acceptable lifestyle. I do think the Catholic church has a way to go when it comes to affording gay people a completely normal existence and sexual lifestyle, but at least the church welcomes gay and lesbian folks into the fold with open arms. Unlike some people of other religions I know without a doubt that I was not put on this earth to judge any other human being…and when someone does, as in someone you just met on a date, it's time to get out of there.
7. HEAVY DRINKER Having been married to an alcoholic all I can say is please, please, please, please, please don't go there. The pain is hard to describe. And believe me, the pain an alcoholic causes does not get any better. It only gets worse. Much, much worse. Why even take one step down that path? Unless your alcoholic is a reformed drinker who is still attending AA meetings and who has completed his or her Twelve Step program with gusto and grace, do not, repeat, do not date a heavy drinker. Or pot smoker. Or drug abuser. Do not. Are you listening?
8. EX-BASHER Why is it that so many potential date partners spend their time bashing their ex? Chances are, that ex is the other parent of his or her children. They should be able to get along for the kids' sake. Can you imagine what the basher will be saying about you if things don't work out?
9. SMOKER Smoking is slow-motion suicide, not only for the smoker but also, because of side stream smoke, also for you. Why on earth would you want to start a new life or a close relationship with someone who thinks so little of himself or so little of you?
10. NO SENSE OF HUMOR If I can't make him laugh or he can't make me at least smile broadly, the relationship doesn't have a chance in the world. Remember, a sense of humor, not only helps solve most of life's problems, but it's also a boon to your good heath. Follow this creed: No laughing, no loving.
So there you have it, the "zero factor" check list. Here's hoping none of your dates earn the goose egg award.
(Note: This is part of a chapter in my latest book "SLOGGING MY WAY TO HEAVEN A Cradle Catholic in a Protestant World" The book is nearly finished and I have great hopes that a publisher will scoop it up soon.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Strength In Numbers
One day when I still lived in Wisconsin a tornado ripped through town a few miles north of my home. Afterwards the neighbors gathered outside to talk, share stories and help each other clean up fallen branches and scattered debris.
In 2001, a few months after 9-11, I visited Ground Zero in New York with four women friends, including my oldest daughter, Jeanne. We five stood there huddled together holding hands, overwhelmed with emotion, trying to understand and calm each other’s fears. I don’t think I could have gotten through that experience without those other women.
In 2004 when the edges of three hurricanes swept past my new Florida neighborhood, my neighbors and I gathered to share food during the power outage and plan for the next big wind.
In 2006 I visited the Florida Everglades during a drought. I stood on a walkway a few feet above a river that had all but dried up except for about eighty yards of murky green water. In front of me were 30 or 40 alligators who had gathered together, trying to maintain their normal environment. I guess even ‘gators find comfort and strength in numbers during times of stress.
Every weekend when I attend church with my friend Jack (the head usher) we always sit in the last pew. It gives me a bird’s eye view of the congregation and every week as the people file in, I can actually feel the peace and the strength in numbers. Suddenly any problem in my life feels like it’s under the umbrella of all those around me. Strength in numbers. A beautiful concept.
I’ve learned that sometimes, during times of turmoil or disaster, it’s up to me to help gather people together when times are tough just so we can feel each other’s warmth and be nourished by the strength of numbers.
In 2001, a few months after 9-11, I visited Ground Zero in New York with four women friends, including my oldest daughter, Jeanne. We five stood there huddled together holding hands, overwhelmed with emotion, trying to understand and calm each other’s fears. I don’t think I could have gotten through that experience without those other women.
In 2004 when the edges of three hurricanes swept past my new Florida neighborhood, my neighbors and I gathered to share food during the power outage and plan for the next big wind.
In 2006 I visited the Florida Everglades during a drought. I stood on a walkway a few feet above a river that had all but dried up except for about eighty yards of murky green water. In front of me were 30 or 40 alligators who had gathered together, trying to maintain their normal environment. I guess even ‘gators find comfort and strength in numbers during times of stress.
Every weekend when I attend church with my friend Jack (the head usher) we always sit in the last pew. It gives me a bird’s eye view of the congregation and every week as the people file in, I can actually feel the peace and the strength in numbers. Suddenly any problem in my life feels like it’s under the umbrella of all those around me. Strength in numbers. A beautiful concept.
I’ve learned that sometimes, during times of turmoil or disaster, it’s up to me to help gather people together when times are tough just so we can feel each other’s warmth and be nourished by the strength of numbers.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Up Down Up Down Up Down
Ever feel like Oprah when it comes to trying to lose weight? Fat, skinny, fat, skinny, fat. Oprah, like many of us, is a true yo-yo queen.
In 1991 I lost forty pounds, mainly because I fast-walked, roller-bladed, or rode my bicycle at least four or five times a week. But the next winter, I let my exercise program slip. Over the next three years I gained back those pounds. Every time I looked at my exercise bike I shuddered and walked right past it.
In January of 1996, I heard that it takes three weeks to make a habit. So I decided to get back on that exercise bike at least three times a week for three weeks to see if I could, indeed, get back into the exercise habit. Sure enough, by the end of the third week I didn’t even have to drag myself downstairs to that bike. It became automatic. Get up. Get my youngest child off to school. Fix a cup of tea. Then downstairs to watch the news while I rode six or eight miles on the stationary bike. It was a routine I looked forward to.
As soon as the warmer weather hit I took my act on the road…fast-walking in the beautiful outdoors. But it didn’t last. I simply hadn’t done any of it every single day, long-enough to make it a true habit.
For the next dozen years I went up and down the scale in five pound increments. Winter would hit and I’d gain. Summertime I’d be more active and lose. It’s still a struggle. But you know what? I’ve stopped trying so hard. I know I have to exercise 3-5 times a week. And I do...usually six days a week. Now that I live in Florida with two swimming pools right across the street and mild enough weather to bike nearly every day all year long, there simply are no more excuses. I know I have to eat healthy foods, lots of fresh veggies especially. And I do. I know I have to eat smaller portions and stop eating so many sweets. I’m trying. But I’m not obsessing about it anymore.
I’m tired of seeing Oprah’s fat-skinny-fat-skinny photos in the magazines. I’ve decided to like myself just the way I am. Healthy, but with a few bulges here and there.
In 1991 I lost forty pounds, mainly because I fast-walked, roller-bladed, or rode my bicycle at least four or five times a week. But the next winter, I let my exercise program slip. Over the next three years I gained back those pounds. Every time I looked at my exercise bike I shuddered and walked right past it.
In January of 1996, I heard that it takes three weeks to make a habit. So I decided to get back on that exercise bike at least three times a week for three weeks to see if I could, indeed, get back into the exercise habit. Sure enough, by the end of the third week I didn’t even have to drag myself downstairs to that bike. It became automatic. Get up. Get my youngest child off to school. Fix a cup of tea. Then downstairs to watch the news while I rode six or eight miles on the stationary bike. It was a routine I looked forward to.
As soon as the warmer weather hit I took my act on the road…fast-walking in the beautiful outdoors. But it didn’t last. I simply hadn’t done any of it every single day, long-enough to make it a true habit.
For the next dozen years I went up and down the scale in five pound increments. Winter would hit and I’d gain. Summertime I’d be more active and lose. It’s still a struggle. But you know what? I’ve stopped trying so hard. I know I have to exercise 3-5 times a week. And I do...usually six days a week. Now that I live in Florida with two swimming pools right across the street and mild enough weather to bike nearly every day all year long, there simply are no more excuses. I know I have to eat healthy foods, lots of fresh veggies especially. And I do. I know I have to eat smaller portions and stop eating so many sweets. I’m trying. But I’m not obsessing about it anymore.
I’m tired of seeing Oprah’s fat-skinny-fat-skinny photos in the magazines. I’ve decided to like myself just the way I am. Healthy, but with a few bulges here and there.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
The Good Life
Imagine what it was like for me, a faint-of-pocketbook single parent, to spend four days at a famous resort spa in Arizona where the rooms cost $475 to $3200 a night. My friend Marsha, who invited me as her guest, and 65 others won the four-day vacation by filling out a sweepstakes form in the grocery store .
I never wanted to leave the 6000 square feet of pools at the spa. The minute you arrived, Greg or Dan, the pool workers, would bring a fitted terrycloth sheet, wrap it around your cushioned lounge chair and hand you a plush 5-foot-long bath towel as he deposited a glass of ice water on your table. Every 15 minutes he’d refill your glass to make sure you didn't get dehydrated in the dessert air. Later, ice-cold wet wash cloths arrived, rolled up on a silver tray for brow dabbing. Next, a silver tray of skewered fruit.
We contest people were treated to meals that must have been copied out of Gourmet Magazine and flown in special, perhaps on the Concorde. We also received five free spa treatments, each valued at $105-$195.
The funny thing about this dream world was the fact that as the entire staff served, smoothed, soothed, coddled, cooed and spoiled us rotten it became clear that they were enjoying our group of spa winners as much as we gushed thank-you's at them for everything.
On the first day, John, one of the waiters, said, "We're not supposed to talk to our guests more than 30 seconds at a time. Rich people want to be served and left alone. But we couldn't wait until your group got here."
"Why?" I asked, knowing the staff wouldn’t be receiving extravagant tips from our group.
"Because you're real people, that's why. Like us. Down to earth. We're going to have a blast."
And so we did. We ordinary, contest entering folks who visited paradise for a few short days, were grateful and humble enough to show our gratitude, not with money, but with kindness and friendship…a life lesson I was happy to relearn.
I never wanted to leave the 6000 square feet of pools at the spa. The minute you arrived, Greg or Dan, the pool workers, would bring a fitted terrycloth sheet, wrap it around your cushioned lounge chair and hand you a plush 5-foot-long bath towel as he deposited a glass of ice water on your table. Every 15 minutes he’d refill your glass to make sure you didn't get dehydrated in the dessert air. Later, ice-cold wet wash cloths arrived, rolled up on a silver tray for brow dabbing. Next, a silver tray of skewered fruit.
We contest people were treated to meals that must have been copied out of Gourmet Magazine and flown in special, perhaps on the Concorde. We also received five free spa treatments, each valued at $105-$195.
The funny thing about this dream world was the fact that as the entire staff served, smoothed, soothed, coddled, cooed and spoiled us rotten it became clear that they were enjoying our group of spa winners as much as we gushed thank-you's at them for everything.
On the first day, John, one of the waiters, said, "We're not supposed to talk to our guests more than 30 seconds at a time. Rich people want to be served and left alone. But we couldn't wait until your group got here."
"Why?" I asked, knowing the staff wouldn’t be receiving extravagant tips from our group.
"Because you're real people, that's why. Like us. Down to earth. We're going to have a blast."
And so we did. We ordinary, contest entering folks who visited paradise for a few short days, were grateful and humble enough to show our gratitude, not with money, but with kindness and friendship…a life lesson I was happy to relearn.
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